Today, I have some quiet moments and I just feel like writing. I totally weaned Madilyn 5 days ago and I am really sad today about it. I know it was the right thing to do because all my inconsistency about it was just confusing her and she is sleeping better and is much happier now. Even though, my mind knows that, my heart is sad. I miss my time with her and although we still snuggle it's not the same. WAAAAAAAA.
Okay, I got that out. It's extra hard too because she's the youngest and possibly the last one (one never knows what God has planned) so it just makes it although the more hard. I think this the first baby I weaned from 3-4 feedings a day to zilch and man oh man have my hormones taken a fun loop. The other day, there was nothing that was going to come between me and my breast pump. Will learned that the hard way. "Honey, maybe you should just let them (being my bosom) figure it out and leave it?" The coveted flat chested man carefully said not to upset his ever agitated wife. Isn't there some song about "Hear me Roar!!"? Well, Will heard me roar. Not nice. Thankfully, he was very understanding and appreciated how nice I was afterwards!! I was just really thankful that my friend gave me her pump to have and to hold for now and forever. I almost kissed the thing I was so thankful!!!
Part of me wants to be all grown up and tell you how I solved this problem of feeling sad and how I focused on all the things I was thankful for and then felt better. Well, that's not going to happen because I guess I'm either really immature or I just know from experience that this feeling will go away - maybe tomorrow or next week it will get better. I do know that this sadness is for a good reason. I do know that I AM VERY thankful for all my blessings and I can be sad at the same time. I also know that my feelings are real (being sad) even if sometimes they lie to me (eg. Feeling under appreciated etc..). I do know that God is amazing and that even when something as awesome as nursing ends that He will find something to fill that empty place. He will be with me and walk me through it. He has surprised me so many times and I know from our lives that He is always there.
Even if I feel that no one may understand the blundering blatherings of this Mama, He knows me better than any one else. Especially when on days like today, for no apparent reason other than those lovely hormones, I FEEL the full force of all the other losses in my life. The loss of my mother being the hugest (why isn't she here to guide me through this?), the loss of six babies, and the loss of friends to...what? I don't even know, and will probably never know. Losses so huge that it physically hurts my already aching chest.
Feelings of rejection, abandonment, hurt and betrayal. All the real nasties. They are there, dark and foreboding. So what do I do with that? I ask God to help me forgive and I move to the next thing praying that He will comfort me somehow. That despite this dark day - I can lay these feelings aside, give them all to him and I can open myself up to new beginnings in this over-abundant life. I ask Him to help me love those put before me with all my heart and that I will love with abandon - not abandonment, I ask me to help me realize that despite my best efforts to do everything right, it will be tainted and in the end GOD WILL MAKE IT GOOD and it's not up to me.I just have to keep my eyes on Jesus and continue to eagerly await His return - that is my hope.
Did I end up writing that sermon to make myself feel better? You know what? Maybe I did - but hopefully it helps others too and it will show that God is merciful to sinners like me, every miserable part of me that glare and spit at all that come between me and my pump.
PS: Thankfully, I've only had to use the pump once. God is good!!!
{{{{{{HUG}}}}}
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